Do I feel better about things?

In 4 days time, Jazzie will have been an angel for the same amount of time as she was here with me. I hardly know how to cope with this realisation. Part of me wonders if I should be starting to 'feel better about things'? Do I, in fact, feel better about things?

Well, I don't wake up, and feel disappointed that I woke up anymore. So the depression has clearly improved. I still wake up, and the first feeling is an ache, a knot in my stomach, a loss and longing indescribable to anyone who has not lost their own child, and instantly identifiable to anyone who has.
But, I'm 'used to it' After almost 21 months of waking up feeling like that, there is a kind of acceptance that this is how I will feel every time I wake up, until I stop waking up. And that is ok with me. I'd rather have Jazzie here with me, but as that is impossible, waking up every day missing her so badly tells me she'll never 'fade' in my thoughts, feelings, ..my mind or my heart. That's the thing all bereaved Mother's fear so strongly when it first happens. What if there comes a day where you don't think about your lost love? I know now that won't ever happen.

I know I am not alone in this world. I have met, and continue to meet, other parents who have experienced similar things. We support each other. We share our experiences. We want the knowledge 'we never asked for' to be put to good use. We vow to improve things for future children. We want our children to have made a difference for others, and to continue to make a difference through the work we can do. www.mothersinstinct.co.uk.

I have a solid marriage. This was either going to destroy us or make us stronger. It hasn't destroyed us. There are times we hang on by a thread, but we hang on. We are both committed to doing that. So we know things will get better. We have had the low point, we are slowly climbing up out of the pit. We haven't been blessed with another child yet. So we are exploring our options. We both feel we need Jasmine's brother or sister in our lives going forward. We are not afraid any more, we know there is room enough in our hearts that Jasmine won't be squeezed out to make room for another. She won't be forgotten, she is part of the family. They will know all about her, our future kids, and it will be nice to share stories with them.. "You had a big sister Jasmine, she was small and very funny" (If anyone reads Charlie and Lola...)

Losing Jazzie forced a 'life audit' somehow. Things became a little clearer... those things worth worrying about, and those things not. Those people worth staying in touch with, and those not. It's not that I have anything against the people that cross the road when they see me, the people who said "Anything I can do?"... and then I never saw or heard from them again, or the people who couldn't stand to be around me in my crazed, paranoid, angry, obsessive phase. I'm not fussed about those who didn't believe when I went on and on about what I thought had happened. It's just that I really love and care for the people who did step up to the mark, to really be there and care for us, even when it hurt them to do so. Those are very special people, the ones I want to love and look after back, for the rest of our lives. So I simply don't have time for the others. It's actually rather refreshing.