The 'postcode lottery' with inquests causes me incredible distress each and every day. So so so many people thought that once we had Jasmine's inquest verdict, that was it, and that quite clearly her death had been sad and unfortunate, but there had not been any wrongdoing. This is simply not true. I think the inquest failed to uncover the truth, and I will tell you how that happened.
It drives me insane! Jasmines care occured over 4 and a half weeks, she was seen by a vast number of people and different specialities. My barrister made it clear to the coroner that Jasmines inquest needed to be an 'in depth' thorough investigation in order to determine the true facts. He told her an 8 day inquest was required, he listed 21 relevant witnesses, and he said she would need to be advised by 'independent' neurologists and radiologists.
The coroner replied and said 'no'! We had a one day inquest, only 8 witnesses, and NO INDEPENDENT OPINION! Therefore the coroner asked the actual doctors involved in Jasmines appalling care what their thoughts were, and these were not thoroughly cross examined or questioned in any way, as there were no independent experts there to provide alternative opinion! On many occasions she even told my barrister to cease with his current line of questioning (It was clear she wanted to get through all the witnesses and wrap it up in one day)
My legal team had reassured me that despite the coroners reluctance to hold a sufficient enquiry, on the day it would become obvious there was no way the inquiry could be sufficiently held in one day. I don't think they were expecting her to cut off lines of questioning or rush through in the manner she did either.
We ended up with a verdict where EVERYONE in the room, My family and friends, legal teams, and press, were SHOCKED that the failures discussed throughout the day were not mentioned in the summing up, and the narrative verdict completely 'missed the point'.
Quite simply, the true facts of Jasmines case could NEVER have been ascertained in a 1 day inquiry, with very few witnesses and no independent opinion.
I have attended another inquest which would have also failed to identify the severity of the situation had the barrister not been given the freedom to ask whatever questions he wanted and an independent expert not stood up and totally disagreed with the evidence of the clinicians responsible for the care at the end.
So this is what I mean by postcode lottery. It depends which coroner you get, and then it depends what they feel like doing. There are no rules!
Oh, and reasons why the coroner might have been in such a rush? Could it have anything to do with the fact our actual coroner, who had been working on the case for a year, had to resign from his job because he had employed his wife as a deputy coroner without her having the adequate qualifications? So therefore her caseload had doubled as she had her own work to get on with, and now had to 'get through' all of his cases too? So she had inherited Jasmines case very late in the day anyway, and she had a lot of work to plough through.. Did she give it the time and attention my little girl deserved? I for one say MOST CERTAINLY NOT!
It all makes me sick.
Me and my Baby Girl
Monday 31 December 2012
Friday 9 November 2012
Do I feel better about things?
In 4 days time, Jazzie will have been an angel for the same amount of time as she was here with me. I hardly know how to cope with this realisation. Part of me wonders if I should be starting to 'feel better about things'? Do I, in fact, feel better about things?
Well, I don't wake up, and feel disappointed that I woke up anymore. So the depression has clearly improved. I still wake up, and the first feeling is an ache, a knot in my stomach, a loss and longing indescribable to anyone who has not lost their own child, and instantly identifiable to anyone who has.
But, I'm 'used to it' After almost 21 months of waking up feeling like that, there is a kind of acceptance that this is how I will feel every time I wake up, until I stop waking up. And that is ok with me. I'd rather have Jazzie here with me, but as that is impossible, waking up every day missing her so badly tells me she'll never 'fade' in my thoughts, feelings, ..my mind or my heart. That's the thing all bereaved Mother's fear so strongly when it first happens. What if there comes a day where you don't think about your lost love? I know now that won't ever happen.
I know I am not alone in this world. I have met, and continue to meet, other parents who have experienced similar things. We support each other. We share our experiences. We want the knowledge 'we never asked for' to be put to good use. We vow to improve things for future children. We want our children to have made a difference for others, and to continue to make a difference through the work we can do. www.mothersinstinct.co.uk.
I have a solid marriage. This was either going to destroy us or make us stronger. It hasn't destroyed us. There are times we hang on by a thread, but we hang on. We are both committed to doing that. So we know things will get better. We have had the low point, we are slowly climbing up out of the pit. We haven't been blessed with another child yet. So we are exploring our options. We both feel we need Jasmine's brother or sister in our lives going forward. We are not afraid any more, we know there is room enough in our hearts that Jasmine won't be squeezed out to make room for another. She won't be forgotten, she is part of the family. They will know all about her, our future kids, and it will be nice to share stories with them.. "You had a big sister Jasmine, she was small and very funny" (If anyone reads Charlie and Lola...)
Losing Jazzie forced a 'life audit' somehow. Things became a little clearer... those things worth worrying about, and those things not. Those people worth staying in touch with, and those not. It's not that I have anything against the people that cross the road when they see me, the people who said "Anything I can do?"... and then I never saw or heard from them again, or the people who couldn't stand to be around me in my crazed, paranoid, angry, obsessive phase. I'm not fussed about those who didn't believe when I went on and on about what I thought had happened. It's just that I really love and care for the people who did step up to the mark, to really be there and care for us, even when it hurt them to do so. Those are very special people, the ones I want to love and look after back, for the rest of our lives. So I simply don't have time for the others. It's actually rather refreshing.
Well, I don't wake up, and feel disappointed that I woke up anymore. So the depression has clearly improved. I still wake up, and the first feeling is an ache, a knot in my stomach, a loss and longing indescribable to anyone who has not lost their own child, and instantly identifiable to anyone who has.
But, I'm 'used to it' After almost 21 months of waking up feeling like that, there is a kind of acceptance that this is how I will feel every time I wake up, until I stop waking up. And that is ok with me. I'd rather have Jazzie here with me, but as that is impossible, waking up every day missing her so badly tells me she'll never 'fade' in my thoughts, feelings, ..my mind or my heart. That's the thing all bereaved Mother's fear so strongly when it first happens. What if there comes a day where you don't think about your lost love? I know now that won't ever happen.
I know I am not alone in this world. I have met, and continue to meet, other parents who have experienced similar things. We support each other. We share our experiences. We want the knowledge 'we never asked for' to be put to good use. We vow to improve things for future children. We want our children to have made a difference for others, and to continue to make a difference through the work we can do. www.mothersinstinct.co.uk.
I have a solid marriage. This was either going to destroy us or make us stronger. It hasn't destroyed us. There are times we hang on by a thread, but we hang on. We are both committed to doing that. So we know things will get better. We have had the low point, we are slowly climbing up out of the pit. We haven't been blessed with another child yet. So we are exploring our options. We both feel we need Jasmine's brother or sister in our lives going forward. We are not afraid any more, we know there is room enough in our hearts that Jasmine won't be squeezed out to make room for another. She won't be forgotten, she is part of the family. They will know all about her, our future kids, and it will be nice to share stories with them.. "You had a big sister Jasmine, she was small and very funny" (If anyone reads Charlie and Lola...)
Losing Jazzie forced a 'life audit' somehow. Things became a little clearer... those things worth worrying about, and those things not. Those people worth staying in touch with, and those not. It's not that I have anything against the people that cross the road when they see me, the people who said "Anything I can do?"... and then I never saw or heard from them again, or the people who couldn't stand to be around me in my crazed, paranoid, angry, obsessive phase. I'm not fussed about those who didn't believe when I went on and on about what I thought had happened. It's just that I really love and care for the people who did step up to the mark, to really be there and care for us, even when it hurt them to do so. Those are very special people, the ones I want to love and look after back, for the rest of our lives. So I simply don't have time for the others. It's actually rather refreshing.
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